Tales of the Parodyverse

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Adversarius
Sun Jan 16, 2005 at 08:38:13 pm EST
Subject
Scrubs Ch. 3
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I'll spare you the Fred Gallagher-esque whining about my struggles since I actually got this story out in a reasonable amount of time. Hope everyone likes it.

"Scrubs"
The Culling
by
Andrew Woollard
AKA. Adversarius

"Wake up sleepy head."

Josh grumbles irritably as he rolls over in the sheets, taking his pillow in hand and covering his head with it.

"Josh, it's time for you to wake up now."

Joshua's eyes shoot open as he sits up in bed, his face paling as he frantically checks over his body to see if he's lost too much blood. To his bewilderment, Joshua finds himself completely healed and lying in in a circular bed with red satin sheets, staring into a room with orange textured paint he's never seen before.

The half openned window shades allow the mid-morning sun to illuminate the room enough for a clear glance around. Taking a look to his right, Joshua sees Illysia lying beside him, her raven hair still tied in a messy bun and her groggy green eyes blinking in confusion, causing him to roll over and fall out of the bed in shock.

"Uhm, Josh, what are you doing?" Illysia lookes at him quizically, leaning over to pick up her glasses off the bedside table before resting her hand on her elbow and eyeing Joshua.

Joshua stares on in horror as he finds himself completely in the buff, quickly grabbing a corner of the sheets to shield his private parts. "What the heck is going on?" He asks as he looks around frantically for his clothes.

"Well now, that is certainly no way to greet your wife. Geez, you are such a kidder Josh." Illysia tugs playfully on the sheets to tease Josh but stops when he gives her a steely glare.

"What do you mean 'wife'?" Joshua finds his left eye twitching slightly.

"You know, the woman you married yesterday and who's 'castle' you stormed three times last night and twice this morning." Illysia gives an exasperated sigh as she straightens her black formal wear infront of the mirror.

She sets on her black veil and walks over to a very confused Joshua. "You know, you're gonna make us late if it always takes you this long to get dressed."

"Get dressed? I'm still na-" Josh stops in mid speech as he looks down to see Illysia straightening his tie and black suit lapels. 'What the hell?' Joshua thinks to himself. "Whatever, where are we going, what are we gonna be late to?"

"You're funeral if you don't wake up already." Illysia turns the keys in the ignition and begins to pull out of the driveway of the beach front hotel they are staying in. Joshua finds himself in the passenger seat of a Ford P.O.S.

"But I am awake. Are you ok Illysia? I know things have been kinda weird all morning, seems like we've slipped into some kind of alternate universe or something, but you're acting really strange." Joshua contemplates what he has just said and begins to wonder if alternate universes are real or if it's just a Parodopolis urban myth.

Illysia slams on the brakes, bringing to car to a crashing halt in an open grave. Joshua tries to open the doors but finds them too close to the dirt walls to allow enough room for escape. He turns to Illysia but finds her looking up at him with tears in her eyes, giving them a glossy look.

A swift slap across his cheek causes Joshua to stare horrified at Illysia as she screams at him. "Joshua Lancaster, I am ordering you to wake up this instant!"

A second swift slap causes Joshua to open his eyes wide, finding himself on his back on the cold and wet tile floor of the cry-lab. Above him, Illysia is kneeling over him with puffy red eyes, sobbing as she watches her new friend bleed to death.

As he takes in the surroundings, Joshua remembers his fight with Bishop and suddenly realizes that he's not lying in a pool of water, but his own blood.

Mustering all his concentration, Joshua begins to send out telepathic messages to all his blood cells, summoning them back into his body through the various cuts across his skin. He sits up as Illysia stares on in disbelief.

"Heh, I'm not entirely sure what's appropriate, but I believe at least a 'thank you' is in order." Joshua smiles weakly as he scratches the back of his head sheepishly, Illysia laughs through choked up sobs.

Both give a wordless embrace before moving over to Gale, checking to see if he is alive. Gale immediately springs up to sit crosslegged and begins cleaning out his ear with his index finger, flicking away the wax he scrapes up. "Man, it sure took you long enough to deal with that insufferable loud-mouth."

"Wait a minute..." Josh gives a disgruntled stare. "You mean you were just playing dead that whole time?"

"Well, yea..." Gale chuckles to himself. "I mean, that fire was hot, I certainly didn't want another blast of it. Besides, the floor was saturated with enough water and I figured a week's sleep had been enough to recharge you for a fight."

"Is that a fact, well, I guess I have you to thank..." Joshua slaps Gale on the back heartily, digging the tips of his fingers into the doctor's skin, causing Gale to whimper pathetically. "...for almost letting me die right there."

Gale winces slightly, laughing through the pain. "Hey, I knew you could handle it and besides..." Gale leans closer to Joshua, huddling to whisper. "Illysia was totally crying for you, you are so in with her. And, she must totally think you're 'ultra manly' like me, with that display of power you put on."

Joshua can't help but uttering a laugh at that as he and Gale both fall into a fit of laughter, causing Illysia to look on concerned.

After Gale has caught his breath, he shifts his demeanor slightly, standing and frowning as he scratches his chin lightly. "Joshua, I fear we are facing a threat that will become successively more difficult to deal with on our own. I believe we may need to enlist some help from a couple old friends of mine."

"Old friends?" Joshua stands as well, cocking an eyebrow.

"Yea, students I've had over the years. Various associates and the like." Gale begins to walk back over to the cryo-tanks. "You'll still need another two weeks of sleep, and I better make it three because you used up so much power with only five days rest."

"What'll you do in the meantime?" Joshua adjusts his unstable-molecule boxers, sitting back down in the tank and preparing for the instant sleep to set in.

"Out getting the new members, don't worry, by the time you wake up, we'll be ready to take the fight to the Chess Club" Gale nods as he closes the tank, pressing in a few buttons before looking through the class window and sarcastically saluting the instant Joshua freezes over and slips into unconsciousness.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"You know Queen, I can't figure it out, when I started the Chess Club, I wasn't just making a villianous cadre of dastardly ne'er-do-wells, I was starting a family. Albeit a dysfunctional and sociopathic tendecy filled family, we were still the 'cool' family everyone wanted to join. Now, why is my family falling apart at the seams?" King sits relaxedly in his coushoned, swivvel chair at the round table.

"First of all, because you killed one of our members and sent the other to his unknowning death." Queen raises a hand to the light source in the ceiling, checking her nails for dirt while staring admirably at her many rings.

"Secondly, we've only been around for about three months, no one has had a chance to join our 'cool' family. Besides, we still have 66% of our team intact."

"Oh right, nevermind. Although, both were still justified desicions. I mean, one was useless to us alive, and the other was a self-hating mutant with some complex anyway." King twirls in his chair, clearly more amused with the spinning motion.

"My Leige, I ask that I be the one to try taking on the Surgeon General and his new compatriot Hemophiliac." A thick British accent emminates from the iron mask atop the body of the large, iron clad Knight.

"You may, but wait a bit, then take Pawn with you, I want him to test out his new powers, he's almost at 70% potential for his new form." The lights above Pawn and Knight's chairs fade as they take their leave through an automatic door at the end of the room.

"You know... in most families, the father and mother are customarily proned to continue having children to ensure their family's growth and survival. Wanna make some?" King raises an eyebrow and leans onto his elbows on the table.

"Touch me and I'll bruise more than just your pride with that scepter of yours." Queen begins laying out cards for a game of solitaire.

"Ooooh my, that was frigid. Damn, I think I know what killed the dinosaurs. Oh! So burned!" King laughs to himself as he turns on a television on an adjacent wall, looking for cartoons to watch on the Humor Hive.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"Ha-HA! Know the monetary wrath of ... Mr. Moneybags!" A stout, bearded man in a well-tailored suit with a large top-hat begins unrolling a small stack of quarters in his hand, flicking them with his thumb like bullets into the camera lenses as he enters Parodopolis Bank & Trust.

The man stalks up to the counter and has a crony in well-tailored Butler's clothing set a large bag on the counter. "Excellent work Higgins." He then turns his attention to the cashier. "Now, I demand you fill this bag with all the quarters and fifty cent pieces you have in this bank. I'll need them for my next robbery."

"Y-You've got to be kidding, right? Oh this is just perfect... as if my day couldn't possibly get any worse. I get stuck in a robbery being performed by an idiot in a perpetual cycle of stupidity."

"Who dares speak out against ... Mr. Moneybags?!" He quickly eyes the crowd and spots the only person who hasn't crawled down to the floor in fear. A young man. "Who are you- ... hey, wait a second, weren't you that child actor, kid?"

"Kid? ... KID?! Listen arsewad, I am sick of being remembered as 'that kid', or, 'that side-kick' I had a name you know! I am sick of everyone thinking I am a child because I still look young, I'm thirty four freaking years old, damnit." The man/boy seethes as he clenches his fists.

"... Oh! Now I remember! You were Protege, the Boy Dreamer. The kid that was always there to help the super heros, but never got any credit. I loved that show." Mr. Moneybags motions for Higgins to come over. "Quick Higgings, get a picture of me with Protege."

"I do not do photos with fans." Protege waves them off.

"Fan? Oh my, you certainly are confused, I wanted a picture of me hitting someone at their lowest point. I can thinking of nothing more defeating than robbing a has-been, coming to cash his welfare check, it's positively precious." Mr. Moneybags and Higgins both enjoy a chuckle.

"Excellent joke sir."

"Thank you Higgins."

Before either has a chance to respond, a swift uppercut sends Mr. Moneybags flying back into the cashier's desk, followed by a kick to the chin for Higgins. "I am going to kill you for calling me a has-been." Protege shakes a bawled fist at his two opponents.

"Well, I say! Higgins, take care of this oaf." Mr. Moneybags adjusts his monocle as he prepares another role of quarters for attack. Higgins produces a concealed garat from his watch as both men prepare to make a strike.

However, before any more combat can ensue, both assailants begin to wobble at the knees, eyelids closing as they fall to the floor, unconscious.

Visible syringes are protruding from each's neck as Dr. Gale sits on the cashier's desk behind them.

Gale turns to the frightened woman behind the counter and arching his eyebrows before flexing. "As you can see, I am very heroic, how about dinner, followed by a movie and se-" Gale is struck from behind by something hard before he can finish his sentence.

"Gale ... why are you here?" Protege stands cross armed, tapping his foot as Gale raises his hands defensively.

"I'm here to offer you some real work. No more food stamps and looking for ads at the unemplyoment lines." Gale motions for the door as he walks over to Protege.

"I'm listening."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A scream resonates through the various alleyways of Hogan. A unfotunately usual occurence, one that would generally gain little attention of the various 'Johns' passing through the red-light district on their way to or from a brothel.

However, tonight, this scream does not fall on all deaf ears, one is there to heed the call to help. Reina Arana.

A tall, heavyset, balding man towers over the fifteen year old prostitute who was about to enter the passenger side door of his car. "I say your fairs are too expensive, so I ain't paying. I think I'm just gonna take what I want this time."

The girl screams again as the man takes a hold of her wrist, twisting it sharply before pinning her to the wall. The man moves his free hand to the girls waist, preparing to tear apart what little clothing she has on in the first place.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you, sicko." A shadowy figure enters the alleyway from the only entrance that the man had trapped the girl in. The hispanic accented voice of a woman is heard beneath the overly large sombrero and poncho/shall the woman is concealed in.

"Shaddup bitch. If ya' know what's good fer ya', you bettah scram." The man releases the girl, who quickly staggers back further into the dead end alleyway. "You stay there princess, I'll be right back fer ya'." He then begins to stalk his new prey, a woman almost half his size in width and only 2/3 his size in height.

He begins his charge with a few sloppy and slow punches. Reina dodges them easily, not once even using her arms, merely sidestepping and backflipping to avoid any contact.

The man, now exhausted attempts one more onslaught of punches, but is stopped cold when he feels six identifiable revolvers aimed at vital organs on his body. He is most disconcerted though when he realizes that each revolver is attatched to an individual arm.

"I'd say you lost this fight hombre, time to get back in your car and go home to your mundane life while you still have one." The man nods nervously and quickly steps around the woman before going back to his car and speeding away.

The woman sighs as she holsters all her revolvers beneath her poncho, walking over to offer aide to the injured girl. "You know, you're far too young for this line of work. You'd better get your head out of guys laps and back into books if you want true happiness, because, with an education, there are easier ways to make money. This is really not a life you want to live kid."

The girl nods appreciatively before scampering off into the shadows.

"You know, that may not have quite the effect it would if it weren't so hypocritical." The woman perks up as she turns to see Gale standing in the entranceway to the alley. "You were my best medical student and now you own and run a brothel here in this district. Thusly making your statement total crap."

"Oh really now Garret? Last time I checked, you were a teacher, your life was clearly going nowhere." The woman smirks as Gale hangs his head in shame.

"That was uncalled for..."

"Besides, no one has use for medical doctors anymore. And since humans are willing to pay more money for meta-human prostitutes than regular ones, the money here is better than any doctor could make."

"Well, you make a point there, but I'm glad to see you're putting your six arms to better use than you did when you first got into the business ... of course, I guess I never complained when you were my student, so who am I to judge." Gale sheepishly scratches the back of his head.

The woman rolls her eyes and takes off her sombrero, revealing a woman in her early thirties. Short, jet black hair that doesn't fully reach her neck hides little of her mocha skin. "It's funny, I was about that girl's age when we first m-"

"Hey! You were in college, I totally thought you were 18!" Gale gives a shifty look around to see if anyone is listening.

"Calm down 'Don Juan', I was going to say when we first 'met'. Not when we first mated..."

"Do you have to say it like that? 'Mating' just sounds so impersonal..."

The woman rolls her eyes again and gives Gale a look over. "You should just be glad I didn't eat you afterwards. Seriously though, haven't aged a bit. Someday I want you to teach me the secret of yours Garret."

"Well, actually, I came here with a proposition ... no, not that kind. But if you help me, I'll tell you." Gale takes a deep breath. "Sergi is back in town, and I need your help to beat him more than ever."

The woman is visibly stunned. "Sergi is still alive? Has he reformed the Chess Club?"

Gale nods. "I was hoping it was just some fanatics that were immitating his original cult, but I think it's genuine now. It's likely he still has Pawn with him, and undoubtedly, the Raiments of Seth too."

"Very well, I guess for a former lover, I'll see what I can do."

"Thank you Consuela." Gale wraps an arm around her shoulder, beginning to walk with her into the main street. "You know, if you'd knocked him out and covered him with webbing, you could leave him scarred for life wondering why he's waking up behind a dumpster, coated in a sticky, white solution."

Consuela laughs but doesn't dignifiy his suggestion with a response.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Two weeks have passed since Joshua was sent into his second cryo-sleep. He returns to consciousness before the temperature becomes warm enough for his blood to start leaving his body. As he stares through the glass he notices a group of people, six total. Gale and Illysia are among four other people he's never seen before.

As the cryotank opens, everyone of the new members of the group turns to stare anxiously at the kid.

"So Gale, this is your newest sacrifice to Sergi?" Consuela is standing in a casual pair of jeans with a faded Gothametropolis sports team shirt, her six arms cross as she eyes him angrily. "When I agreed to join you, I didn't know you were dragging, yet another, kid into this."

"I gotta agree Gale, I don't think this is fair to do to another kid, just because he was a patient of yours. You should just send him home now before he gets in over his head." Protege is also standing in street clothes, trying to remain inconspicuous on the college campus.

"I know your concerns, last time we fought Sergi... well, it won't happen again. Besides, that's why I wanted you all on my team, to help train him." Gale smiles as Joshua rises out of the tank, walking over to the group.

"Doc, what's going on?" Joshua looks around at the new faces, astonished that Gale would know such an odd assortment of people.

"Well, first we have Consuela Martinez, also known as Reina Arana, or in english, Spider Queen. She will help you with your physical conditioning. Next is an old friend of mine, Protege, he's the ultimate combatant, he will be teaching you hand to hand combat from all regions of the world. To his left, we have Cancer, she's another former student of mine." Gale points out a girl dressed in what could be considered a Hot Topic salesmen's wetdream. Pale skin and platinum blonde hair, streaked with black. Nightmare Before Christmas sweater with various band and Nintendo games patches, smoking a cigarette.

Gale walks over and takes the cigarette out of her mouth and stomps it out on the floor. "Madeline .. this is a hospital. I know you want to act unique and rebellious despite coming from Pierce Heights, but I cannot allow smoking here."

"Gaaaaawd... come on Gale, my powers are like, the ability to turn into smoke, I need those to stay solid" The girl gets huffy as she pouts.

"That is such bullshit and you know it, you're just addicted." Gale chuckles, returning his attention to Joshua. "Don't be confused by her attitude. Her powers demand an incredible amount of control, her powers are like yours, so she'll help train you to master your skills better." The girl gives Joshua a little wave and wink before giggling to herself. Illysia rolls her eyes before checking her watch and stepping out of the room and pressing in buttons on her cell phone.

Gale watches, chuckling at thought of when girls used to fight over him. "Anywho, last but not least, we have Dr. Kassen." He stands beside the tall and broad shouldered Native American who gives a friendly bow.

"He's a friend of mine from waaaaaay back. He's a fellow teacher here at PU, but he's also an anthropologist of ancient mystical lore and magical artifacts. He knows best what we may be going up against with Sergi."

"Doc ... you've mentioned this Sergi guy several times now. But who is he?" Joshua looks on sternly.

Gale sighs as he adjusts his glasses, using the lights to reflect off the lenses and hide his eyes. "Sergi is the man I believe we're facing, he's the King of the Chess Club. He's also my younger brother."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"There may be a problem." Illysia stands in the hallway outside the cryolab, her cellphone pressed to her ear.

"What's the matter?" The voice on the other end enquires.

"It's just that, things are starting to get complicated..." Illysia begins to choke up slightly as she sits back against the wall.

"Well, I think it's time for you to come home. I don't want you to get hurt. It may be time to shut out your emotions for a while."

Illysia sniffles before removing her glasses, wiping her eyes and collecting herself into an emotionless countenance. "Alright Sergi, I'll be back soon."

"That's my Queen."


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